Nothing to Worry About

I said something in a meeting yesterday at work. I felt it was true when I said it, but the way I said it didn’t come out right. It sounded as if I was taking credit for others work. It sounded as if I do all this stuff by myself. It sounded as if I didn’t appreciate them. It sounded as if I was being a martyr.

I said something to effect of: I would go in to orientation and say “Hey, I’m Tanya and I’m the runner of this things. I do all this stuff.” I new it wasn’t coming out right as I said it. I looked down refusing to make eye contact knowing the statement as it stumbled out of my mouth would offend. I kept trying to restart the sentence, but only made it worse. One of the members of the board spoke up immediately saying that if I was tired of doing it all myself, they would be happy to take over. I pointed out that I do the meeting minutes because no one else wants to and she agreed that she would not or could not do the meeting minutes. That gave me a chance to laugh and point out my earlier statement had some truth. I concluded by saying that I did know I didn’t do it all myself. I believe I repeated the statement twice.

I thought about it throughout the rest of the meeting. About how I could have said it better, about who I could have offended that didn’t speak up, about if anyone was mad at me, and would I hear about it later. There is nothing I can do to change what happened. There is no way to fix the past.

It didn’t stop there. I also thought about it while I was feeding a resident. I thought about it while I was driving home. I thought about it while I was eating dinner. I thought about it while I was bathing. I thought about it when I laid down to go to sleep. I thought about it when I woke up this morning. I thought about it now, while I am writing this, trying to make sure I write it well. I will probably think about it on and off all day.

The reasonable part of my brain is telling me that everyone in that meeting probably doesn’t even remember what I said, or how I said it. They have forgotten it and moved on with their days. It really wasn’t that important, and no one’s self worth is dependent on my judgement of them.

Introduction

I wanted to do a small introduction of myself before I dive into the “hot and heavy”. My goal will be to write a new post every week. I will try to do more.

My name is Tanya. I was born January 19th, 1982. I am currently 37 years old. I work a 40+ hour job as a C.N.A. (Certified Nursing Assistant) in a local Skilled Nursing Facility. I am a mother of four children, some I birthed and some I didn’t.

I’ve always loved reading. My favorite books are horror, fantasy and science fiction. Some of my favorite authors include Clive Barker, Stephen King, Ann McCaffery, J.K. Rowling, Isaac Asimov, J.R.R Tolkien, Ann Rice, Douglas Adams, Stephanie Meyer, Cassandra Clare, Robert Jordan, David Eddings, Terry Brooks and many others I can’t remember.

During my time in the Honey House reading was my way to escape into another world. I didn’t have to think about my life if I was joining Frodo’s fellowship or learning about Asimov’s three laws of robotics. I still love reading. Sometimes it used for an escape and sometimes for pure pleasure.

I spend a lot of time watching movies and TV shows. My favorite genre is horror. I love Doctor Who, The Walking Dead and The Magicians. Most other shows I binge watch on Netflix.

I am an Agnostic. That means I believe that nothing is known or can be known of the existence or nature of God or of anything beyond. I claim neither faith nor disbelief.

I am a Liberal. To me that means supporting civil rights, democracy, gender equality, racial equality, freedom of speech, freedom of the press, and freedom of religion. I believe people should be free to do what they want and be who they are if they aren’t harming anyone.

It took me years and years to finally gain a sliver of self confidence in myself. I can proudly say that I am a pretty cool human being.