Third Mental Break

Life can build up slowly to a load roar. What were once soft murmurs of life’s day-to-day struggles can become a deafening roar without you ever remembering the volume increasing.

It seemed one day that my ears burst with the noise of my life. The constant struggle with this thing or that thing became a heavy burden that crumpled my mind. It was done; time to shut down; not really wanting death, but the release of sleep would be just fine. A long, deep sleep, with the promise of better on the other side. A week might be enough, maybe two would be better.

A phone call ending in sobbing tears, and an admission that made my soul scream and my heart feel like it was being ripped from its position in my chest. I let the words I had been feeling – for what I realized was probably months – fly from my mouth. “I want Brian, Ella and Bre to leave. And I don’t want to want that!”

My mom swept down with the aid of a friend and I was taken to the local hospital. I handed over my phone, my purse, and my responsibilities to the promise in her voice that it would all be taken care of. I had to take care of me if I were to remain to even see the pieces of what would be left after this.

This would be my first time in a mental health facility. And I must say, it was not what I expected. The people were nice, but firm. My first 24-48 hours was probably like most peoples’. I was lost, I was weepy, I took Ativan for the first time in my life. I reorganized their entire pile of mixed up puzzle pieces, broken crayons, and coloring sheets. I was started on a sleep aid and I did need it there, as it was never dark, and I shared a room with 5 other girls and their bathroom schedules.

It was day 3 when I could start to think about the pieces of my life. What pieces would I be able to pick up where I had left them and what pieces needed to be left on the ground? I made 10-minute phone calls, attempting to unstress and adjust to medication, while trusting others to put my puzzle together from 3 hours away.

My household turned into an upheaval of stress, fights, and arguments. You see, Tanya had gone away. That person that never said “No” and ran around fixing the sinking ship was gone. The ship was sinking, and the passengers noticed that they were actually in a hurricane. It didn’t help that the 1st mate was telling everyone that the caption had abandoned ship. No one would believe her because Captains do not abandon ship.

When my time was up at the mental health facility, I still refused to come home. I had made some hard, but firm decisions and new I would crumble if I went back home straight away. That the soft murmurs would pull me back down into their rhythm and I wouldn’t notice the roaring again until it was to late. I escaped to my sister’s house, where I remained for about 2 weeks.

Things are still not were they should be, even 2 months after my release. I am still ridden with guilt that I will probably never get over. While I only “abandoned” my birth children for a little while, they have now seen that I am a fragile shell that can be lost. My stepchildren, (I cringe to even call them that. I working so hard throughout the years to make no difference in my heart between birth and non-birth children) have seen that I was incapable of giving them the time, energy and bits of myself I so badly wanted to give them. I failed them, and for Ella that is two mothers failed. She needed me not to fail.

I have a new job. I tried to choose one without death.

I have a new lover, a partner, an old love that was easily rekindled into the burning flame that was there years ago. I feel in love and scared out of my mind at the thought. I chose Brain because being in love is not always a good thing. I was never “in love” with Brain. You lose control in love. You lose yourself in love. You lose who you were and become someone new and sometimes that person is not who you thought you were. In love is terrifying and joyful and passionate, and I am lost.

Take two, Restart

My life has taken an unexpected turn. You know, as life seems to do from time to time. When I started this blog my intent was to post once or twice a week. That never happened. It was also going to allow me to writing in short burst about my past. This was / is going to later be compiled into a book about my upbringing, abuse and survival.

This will be my second attempt at blogging and I feel I have a lot to write about that has happened in my present. This will take me away from my past, though it is all connected, sense my past has made me.

Nothing to Worry About

I said something in a meeting yesterday at work. I felt it was true when I said it, but the way I said it didn’t come out right. It sounded as if I was taking credit for others work. It sounded as if I do all this stuff by myself. It sounded as if I didn’t appreciate them. It sounded as if I was being a martyr.

I said something to effect of: I would go in to orientation and say “Hey, I’m Tanya and I’m the runner of this things. I do all this stuff.” I new it wasn’t coming out right as I said it. I looked down refusing to make eye contact knowing the statement as it stumbled out of my mouth would offend. I kept trying to restart the sentence, but only made it worse. One of the members of the board spoke up immediately saying that if I was tired of doing it all myself, they would be happy to take over. I pointed out that I do the meeting minutes because no one else wants to and she agreed that she would not or could not do the meeting minutes. That gave me a chance to laugh and point out my earlier statement had some truth. I concluded by saying that I did know I didn’t do it all myself. I believe I repeated the statement twice.

I thought about it throughout the rest of the meeting. About how I could have said it better, about who I could have offended that didn’t speak up, about if anyone was mad at me, and would I hear about it later. There is nothing I can do to change what happened. There is no way to fix the past.

It didn’t stop there. I also thought about it while I was feeding a resident. I thought about it while I was driving home. I thought about it while I was eating dinner. I thought about it while I was bathing. I thought about it when I laid down to go to sleep. I thought about it when I woke up this morning. I thought about it now, while I am writing this, trying to make sure I write it well. I will probably think about it on and off all day.

The reasonable part of my brain is telling me that everyone in that meeting probably doesn’t even remember what I said, or how I said it. They have forgotten it and moved on with their days. It really wasn’t that important, and no one’s self worth is dependent on my judgement of them.


I wanted to do a small introduction of myself before I dive into the “hot and heavy”. My goal will be to write a new post every week. I will try to do more.

My name is Tanya. I was born January 19th, 1982. I am currently 37 years old. I work a 40+ hour job as a C.N.A. (Certified Nursing Assistant) in a local Skilled Nursing Facility. I am a mother of four children, some I birthed and some I didn’t.

I’ve always loved reading. My favorite books are horror, fantasy and science fiction. Some of my favorite authors include Clive Barker, Stephen King, Ann McCaffery, J.K. Rowling, Isaac Asimov, J.R.R Tolkien, Ann Rice, Douglas Adams, Stephanie Meyer, Cassandra Clare, Robert Jordan, David Eddings, Terry Brooks and many others I can’t remember.

During my time in the Honey House reading was my way to escape into another world. I didn’t have to think about my life if I was joining Frodo’s fellowship or learning about Asimov’s three laws of robotics. I still love reading. Sometimes it used for an escape and sometimes for pure pleasure.

I spend a lot of time watching movies and TV shows. My favorite genre is horror. I love Doctor Who, The Walking Dead and The Magicians. Most other shows I binge watch on Netflix.

I am an Agnostic. That means I believe that nothing is known or can be known of the existence or nature of God or of anything beyond. I claim neither faith nor disbelief.

I am a Liberal. To me that means supporting civil rights, democracy, gender equality, racial equality, freedom of speech, freedom of the press, and freedom of religion. I believe people should be free to do what they want and be who they are if they aren’t harming anyone.

It took me years and years to finally gain a sliver of self confidence in myself. I can proudly say that I am a pretty cool human being.